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Here we are again.
I was staring at a blank whiteboard trying to re-imagine my business.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
At this point I felt a desire to change. It felt like wearing an itchy sweater. I knew it wasn’t right but wasn’t sure how to take it off or buy a new one. I let out a loud, exasperated sigh. I felt so stuck. “You can do it!”
I heard my roommate walk down the hall to my bedroom. She cracked my door open and peeked her head into my bedroom
“You’re doin’ great!” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” “Yes you do! You do it every day.”
She smiled at me and left.
I paused for a moment….
I decided to scroll through my notes app on my iphone and my google drive. Pages and pages and pages of random thoughts and half-baked ideas. I found old testimonials, old proposals and campaign ideas. I mean when you’ve been doing something for nearly 10 years, you accumulate a TON of stuff.
I began to realize that my “stuckness” was never about “not knowing anything”; I’m actually overwhelmed. I have wayyy too many ideas and I don’t know where to start.
Well more truthfully, I’m afraid of doing something wrong. And I’ve internalized the confusion and the fear as a single belief that has been holding me back for years:
“I don’t know what I’m doing”
I’ve said that so much I might as well have it tattooed on my forehead.
And, like my money coach says, if that’s what you tell yourself, then that’s what you believe. And if that’s what you believe, then that’s what becomes your reality.
“I don’t know what I’m doing”?? What a useless saying!
It doesn’t do anything for me except plant doubt.
The worst part is that the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how damaging that phrase can be.
The more I realize that it’s a deflection so I don’t have to look at anything that feels too uncomfortable. When I say “I don’t know what I’m doing” what I actually mean is… I don’t trust myself. I’m lost. I am not confident. I’m not reliable. I am failing.
And it also has been reflected to me by people around me… “So what do you actually do?” “I don’t know what to tell my friends when they ask what you do for work.” “Remind me what your title is again?” “How do you even make money?”
What’s wild to me, is that the outside world is just reflecting the confusion that is inside of me. My business reflects the confusion too.
It looks like sticky notes, and iphone notes, and a BUNCH of unfinished projects. It looks like keeping myself really busy so I don’t have to think about putting myself out there and taking the risk to be vulnerable. Worst of all. It looks like not getting paid what I want to be getting paid. I believe that all of our relationships (to people, to food, to money, to work, etc.) can be a mirror of our inner world. They can show us our ‘shadows’ or the state of our mind. And I know that as long as I stay confused and keep choosing to believe what I was telling myself, the rest of the world would reflect that too. However, the very fact that you’re reading this shows I got over this somehow. Or at the very least, I decided to take action.
To experiment.
And to trust myself.
That I know what is going on.
I help people create an impact in the world by creating successful businesses.
I’m an all-in kind of woman.
So I’ve decided that it’s time to start practicing new thoughts. And by doing this I’ve boosted my confidence and started getting some clarity. SO here is what I’m saying to myself instead: I do know what I’m doing. I am confident. I can trust myself. You can count on me. I am reliable. I am trying new things (I love experimenting!) I already know everything I need to be successful.
Because the truth is, I do know what I’m doing. I know how to work at my craft. I know how to teach, I know how to examine businesses, I know how to show up. And I fully believe that you also know a lot more than you say you do too.