So you think because you've done all this
You’re enlightened now?
You can handle anything?
You're still not afraid of the depths of yourself?
This week alone, this dark piece of me once buried deep down, has popped up to meet me.
I'm terrified to meet it. I don’t even know it’s name.
As I write this now, I actually think it’s just old energy that has been trapped underneath the surface for too long begging me to be free.
“I don’t need to be here anymore” She whispers in the dark.
“Let me go.”
These are the whispers of a darkness I’ve been scared of my entire life. And after all this internal work, I thought I’d be free of it - but instead, I just hear the whispers more clearly.
She cannot be free until I meet her.
This week, I was able to meet with a small piece.
At first, I ran away.
I retreated to my room.
And as I lay on the bed, face wet with tears, and sobbed.
"I'm so scared of this" I told Zach.
I felt his arms give me a gentle squeeze.
I sounded like a whimpy little girl.
I felt so small.
The size of a bean.
“This is it.” I thought, as I let the darkness and the fear take me.
Then a voice came out of me that didn’t feel like it was mine and said
“Please don’t leave me.”
Zach, assuming I was talking to him, replied lovingly
“I’m not going to leave you.”
I don't really know how to describe what I was afraid of in that moment.
Or who the voice belonged to.
Or who she was talking to.
But whatever the thing is, she has been lurking around me a lot recently.
She has popped up in deep conversations with my partner, during sex, in interactions with friends…
For most of my adult life, I thought I was an anxious/secure attachment style.
Now I've learned, that I've either become avoidant or I've been avoidant the whole time.
The truth is that the label of the thing isn't the point.
(and I believe we ALL have a little bit of everything in us.)
The point is, as I grow I'm being asked to face myself.
As I follow my heart’s desire to love and be loved deeply, I have to face myself.
As I learn to guide deeper experiences for my clients, I have to face myself.
And when I am met with a trigger it takes everything in me not to run out of the room.
Sometimes it literally feels like I'm dying.
And the darkness takes over.
And I am terrified.
I'm learning I have been running away for a long time.
Because otherwise, I have to open.
I have to soften.
I have to feel the pain that made me close up in the first place.
I have to TRUST that I am okay, I am safe, even when everything in me is on fire.
Bu first - I have to acknowledge that the thing I am running away from is part of me.
She is part of me.
I'm still tieing the threads together...
but for now, I ask you - What is it that you are running away from within you?